Explodes into...
A
dwarf wearing a green velvet fez-like cap climbs upon the stool next to
mine, looks into my flabbergasted eyes, and says: “What the f--- do you want?”
“Nothing,” I say. “But I think I’ve had too much to drink.”
“Ya think?” He puts his right hand
with small stubby fingers on his waist. “And why is that?”
“Because I’m hallucinating Danny
DeVito on steroids as a munchkin from Oz wearing Arab garb.”
“I see.” He puts a stubby finger to his
lips and strains to see the tassel hanging to the side. “Maybe it’s my hat. You
think it’s a fez, right?”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, you f------ moron, it is not a fez. It’s a smoking cap. You
smoked me out—Geddit?” he sniggers. “So, let’s get it on.”
I tweak to the notion that this little guy must be a… a genie!
“Three wishes?”
“F--- me.” He crosses his arms. “Where’d
you get that screwball idea?”
“Fairy tales?”
“F--- that, dude. This is reality.”
“This sure doesn’t seem like reality
to me.”
“Trust me.” He winks. “This is your new
reality.”
“So, what do I get?”
“Aside from a hangover tomorrow? Let’s see.” The dwarf unfolds his arms, puts
a forefinger to his chin and looks up to the sky. “Okay, this is a bar, right? You
get to meet a few boozers.”
“What boozers?” I look around and,
seeing no one, try to search his eyes for an answer.
His smirk is more pronounced than
his eyes.
“You find out when you meet them.”
“All together?”
The dwarf shakes his head. “You
drink your drink. This drink.” He
taps the bottle. “Just like you wanted. And you get to yak for a while.”
“Yak?”
“Getz with the lingo, dude. You pour
a drink, my first boozer shows up, you yak. When the drink’s gone, so’s my
first boozer. You pour a second drink and my second boozer shows up. When the
drink’s gone, so’s my second boozer, and so on till we’re done.”
“That’s it?”
“Simple, huh?”
“No wishes?”
The dwarf shakes his head. “I’m not
a f------ genie. I’m his horrid little brother. Emphasis on little. Geddit? Never mind. You ready?”
“What if I’m not?”
“Tough crap—you already opened the bottle, and I’m already here.”
The dwarf begins to spin clockwise,
faster and faster, until he abruptly changes direction and twirls
counter-clockwise, less fast, slower, changing shape until…
