Reykjavik, Iceland, January 2002
At seven o’clock in the evening, Thomas Van Stein
and Erik the Red truck into Hotel Holt from the dark and cold.
Floater and I are lurking in the lobby.
Erik shakes his head. “You have
no idea what we’ve
been through today.” He says this with
a Scottish accent thicker than usual because his tongue is eighty percent
frozen. He motions at Van Stein. “Him, especially.”
The artist looks as if he’s been plugged into an electrical sub-station. His face is freeze-burned, hair frizzled, eyes ablaze with madness. He can hardly speak.
The artist looks as if he’s been plugged into an electrical sub-station. His face is freeze-burned, hair frizzled, eyes ablaze with madness. He can hardly speak.
Kristjan, our driver/guide, nods. The King of Hardy himself is impressed
by Van Stein’s
indifference to the elements in his quest to capture nature at its most absurd.
One hour later, we launch on foot to
a seafood restaurant called Vid Tjornina.
“I got kissed by the devil today,” whoops Van Stein, warming to candlelight on our table, drunk on accomplishment.
Erik the Red explains: While Van Stein painted a geyser in
sub-frozen conditions, the dang thing changed direction and slapped him hard
before freezing to ice.
Talk about wind chill.
“It was the biggest blow of the day,” says Erik.
Talk about wind chill.
“It was the biggest blow of the day,” says Erik.
“In other words,” I say, “Thomas made a pass at a hot hole and got geyser-whacked?”
“No.” Van Stein stiffens. “I tried to paint the devil, and he blew me a
kiss. From the abyss.”
“Wait until you discover you’re pregnant,” I
say.
“I have seen fortitude today,” says
Erik.
“No,” I say. “Forty-two fetuses. When Rantanal Oldham [our eccentric London driver] hears about this, he‘ll insist on conducting a combination exorcism/abortion.”
“You want to know about hell?” Van
Stein shudders. “Kristjan showed us the
Drowning Pool.”
“The what?” says Floater.
“It’s a river out there, where the Vikings took their
unfaithful wives. To drown them.”
“A perfectly acceptable ritual,”
says Erik. “I should have done that to
my first wife when I found her in bed with my brother.”
“And afterwards,” says Van Stein. “After they drowned their wives, there’s a geothermal spa nearby where they’d celebrate with a hot bath.”
That’s the way it was with Berserkers a millennium
ago. When foul weather postponed faraway
forays of rape and pillage, one of them would get bored and slaughter his
family for the sheer hell of it, and his friends would say, D’ya hear? Wolf
the Unwashed went berserk yesterday, needs another woman.
We drink Chablis and order something that, in Icelandic, reads like dead pike smelling dyke. And if that’s not enough, Floater’s
small potatoes turn out to be rams testicles, part of a plot to Thorrablot him.
“So what did you guys do,”
sneers Van Stein.
“You kidding?" I say. "While you were out watching Mother Nature
fart sulphur and steam, Floater and I did the real work, laying down the runtur. And that’s not all,” I add.
“We ran into that cultural attaché.”
“You mean the guy we wrote to before
we left California?” says Van Stein.
“Yup.”
Van Stein closes one eye, dribbles
Chablis. “But wasn’t he supposed to
be out of town and that's why he wouldn't meet us?”
“Damn right he was. I caught the lying son of a whore at a place
called Café de Paris.”
“But how’d you
know it was him?”
“There aren’t many Americans
around here,” I say. “Aside from a
nutcase named Don who walks around this frozen country for kicks. Anyway, this guy is obviously American in his
navy blazer and L.L. Bean lined chinos and anorak. And then I heard him say he works at the
embassy.”
“To who?”
“Heidi.”
“Who the hell’s Heidi?”
“Maybe my next wife. For now, a waitress at Café de Paris. The embassy guy tries to chat her up while
his girlfriend is using the john. So I
ask him, where did the cultural attaché go this weekend? And he says, I’m the
cultural attaché. So I tore him a new rectum.”
“This isn’t true,” says
Van Stein.
“Floater?”
Floater nods.
“I told him," I continue, "you foreign-service pukes are just a bunch of pant-load do-nothings.”
Floater nods.
“I told him," I continue, "you foreign-service pukes are just a bunch of pant-load do-nothings.”
“No!
What did he say?”
“He tried to ignore me. So I raised my voice and called him a
lying-son-of-a-whoremaster, right in front of his girlfriend, and everyone
else. Everyone in Café de Paris applauded.
I don’t
think they’re
fond of Americans here, especially the ones who work for the government. That’s
when he got pissed-off. Said he was
going to fix me good, wanted to know my name.”
“And?” asks Van Stein.
“I told him.”
“Told him what?”
“Told him I’m an artist
named Thomas Van Stein.”
Van Stein turns to Erik the
Red. “You hear that? This is what I get from him all the
time. He meets some mystery American in
the hotel bar at the Lowndes Hotel in London and tells me I can’t come down to see who it is.”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t come down.”
“Yeah, you did.”
“No I didn’t. What I said was, Stay in your room, I’ll let you know
when you can come out.”
Van Stein howls. “So what happens next?” he asks.
“You mean the runtur?”
“No, the cultural attaché.”
“When I get home, I e-mail the Snake
Department and report what a do-nothing he is.”
“And?”
“They promote him. They prefer do-nothings, it‘s safer for
them.”
The waitress asks if we need
dessert.
It’s not a need
thing, baby, it’s a
want.
“I’ll have the Devil’s Delight,”
whoops Van Stein, reading from the menu.
“I thought you had it earlier,” says
Floater.
“I want to reminisce.”