CLUBHOUSE ON WHEELS: Road-tripping (creativity & madness, intrigue & lunacy, angels & devils) and Santa Barbara News-Press column
When I was Prince Albert's spymaster in Monaco, two senior intelligence officers from Ukraine, at my invitation, arrived in the principality to create a liaison relationship.
There was simply no question about how strongly they valued their independence as a sovereign nation.
The officers kindly gifted me with a small bronze of a Ukrainian swordsman upon a horse, symbolizing their national resolve against any invading force.
I have carried it ever since close to my heart.
“ARREST WARRANT ISSUED FOR VLADIMIR PUTIN BY INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT OVER UKRAINE WAR”
Other indictments will follow.
Poisonous Putin is now subject to arrest in multiple countries.
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| The Putin-Prince Pact |
Dmitry (“Drunkard”) Medvedev, Deputy Chair of Russia’s Security Council, referred to the warrant as toilet paper and, indeed, it seems appropriate that toilet paper may one day lead to this chronic crapper’s arrest. The Drunkard also threatened to launch a hypersonic missile at The Hague, “so look carefully at the sky,” he warned. (Another quart of Stoli, Dmitry?)
Meantime, Vlad continues to hide out in his closeted cowardice quarters (dispatching doppelgangers to public events) and is whispered to be privately “devastated” by the indictment.
He must also be held to account for the hundreds of thousands of Russian soldiers whose deaths he has caused in pursuit of egoistic Yertle the Turtle imperialism.
WASHINGTON WHISPER
Russian armed forces: 165,713 dead.
Russian private military force: 53,492 dead.
Russian Guard: 7,144 dead.
Total: 226,349 dead.
This has resulted in hundreds of thousands of unhappy widows, children, mothers and fathers—all of whom will all be happy to see Putin account for the loss of their loved ones.
“’SCARFACE OLIGARCH’ WHO SOLD HARRY & MEGHAN THEIR HOME FOR $14.7 MILLION DIES IN MOSCOW”
Our own Montecito Russian oligarch, Sergey Grishin, is the latest in a growing number of mystery deaths, believed to be Putin hits in retaliation for criticizing his war on Ukraine.
Cause of death at age 56: “Circulatory problems in his brain.”
Translation: Poison.
Sergey was nicknamed “Scarface Oligarch”after he bought (in 2008) the Montecito mansion where Al Pacino filmed the 1983 cult movie, Scarface (not because his third wife, Anna Fedoseeva, once beat him up and, well… scarred his face).
He made his money by committing, he said, “the largest bank fraud scheme ever,” gleefully proclaiming that he almost brought about the collapse of the Russian banking system.
Why stomach-turning Sergey returned to Russia when he was “under fire by the criminal world of Russia and by top government officials of Russia too” (he said) is anyone’s guess.
Maybe he missed borscht and braised cabbage.
“LAWYER WARNS PRINCE HARRY’S DRUG USE COULD THREATEN HIS US VISA AFTER HE ADMITTED TAKING COCAINE, CANNABIS & MAGIC MUSHROOMS IN HIS MEMOIR & TV INTERVIEWS”
Should-a been damned if he did (visa disqualification) but now damned if he didn’t (lying on a visa application is grounds for deportation).
Harried Harry just doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t have it both ways i.e. you don’t get privacy if you turn yourself into a public figure with a book and media appearances and you don’t get to remain royal if you renounce both your royal workload, your family, and your homeland.
“AMERICANS HEAD TO EUROPE FOR THE GOOD LIFE ON THE CHEAP”
It’s not just blue state tax-burdened residents running to red states. Americans in record numbers are fleeing to Europe, especially Portugal, the new go-to (used to be Prague in the Czech Republic) where “the weather is pleasant, the lunches are long” and the cost-of-living is a breath of fresh air compared to the ever-inflationary USA.
“CDC BOUGHT ACCESS TO AMERICANS’ PHONE LOCATION DATA TO MONITOR COMPLIANCE WITH SOCIAL DISTANCING & MORE”
I sincerely hope the CDC discovered that I was NEVER in compliance with their ridiculous lockdown, social distancing
and mask policies.
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| The Boat Club Bar, Lake Whitefish Lodge, MT |
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| Palace Saloon, Prescott, AZ |
And despite Governor Gruesome’s travel ban, I drove to Prescott, Arizona, where life went on as normal.
And I flew to Portland, Oregon where everything was locked down except “Defund the Police” morons who amassed in the streets I strolled.
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| Multnomah County Justice Center, Portland, OR |
...despite a kooky Karen (whom I later identified as Dana Weimer through her car tags) wanting to sic the police on us.
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| Dana Weimer (Karen) |
Only sheeple comply with irrational, politically motivated authority based on fabricated facts.
And sorry to say, this country is full of them.
“BILL MAHER TORCHES SAN FRANCISCO’S ‘CRAZY’ REPARATIONS PLAN: ‘THIS IS MADNESS’”
Five million dollars for each back resident? Plus forgiveness on mortgages and credit card debt?
This is beyond madness, not to mention reckless, stupid, inequitable and utter total nonsense—especially in a state that never allowed slavery.
As UK columnist John Junor used to write, “Pass the sick bag, Alice.”
“CNN ANCHOR ERIN BURNETT ADMITS EVIDENCE OF CHINESE MONEY TO BIDENS “DOESN”T LOOK GOOD”
Not only doesn’t it “look good” it ISN’T good.
It is bad, very bad. And reminds me of my column A Rafter of Turkeys over Thanksgiving 2021 when I reported the shenanigans of many Biden family members.
Under Joe Biden’s presidency, the United States has come to resemble the widespread dysfunction and corruption of his own kooky clan.
“It’s not true,” Joe says, referring to hard evidence that members of his family received more than million dollars from China (the first of many transactions to be uncovered).
Truth is, Joe wouldn’t recognize the truth if it slapped him across the face.
“KATHY HOCHUL’s PLAN TO FORCE NYC SUBURBS TO APPROVE MORE HOUSING SPARKS BATTLE"
Smart people wanted Mario’s little boy, Andrew Cuomo, out of the New York Governor’s mansion. But be careful what you wish for. Because New York now has Princess Momby from Return to Oz.
Kind of like wanting Joe Biden to give up his pretense of being mentally sound (not to mention honest) and turning the White House over to the cackling Kamel. (Can anyone possibly imagine her up against Putin and Xi?)
“CLEANLINESS SEXIST & RACIST”
Professor Jenna Drenten of Loyola University (Chicago) declares that “cleanliness” should be cancelled.
No, this is not an April Fool’s prank.
Writes Prof Drenten: “Cleanliness has historically been used as a cultural gatekeeping mechanism to reinforce status distinctions based on a vague understanding of ‘niceness’: nice people with nice yards, in nice houses, make for nice neighborhoods. What lies beneath this anti-messiness, pro-niceness stance is history of classist, racist and sexist social structures.”
Chuckle, oink, barf.
“ELIZABETH WARREN CALLS FOR FEDERAL RESERVE SYSTEM PROBE & BLAMES WEAKENING REGULATIONS AFTER SILICON VALLEY BANK IMPLOSION”
I have never been a fan of Senator Warren but she is absolutely correct: Our nation’s banking system is little more than a legalized Ponzi scheme and should be thoroughly investigated, though this will never happen due to the overwhelming influence of bankers, their lobbyists and paid-off politicians.
Ask yourself, why are many national and international (supposedly) solvent banks scurrying around like banshees to absolve regional involvement banks of their sins (gross mismanagement and disregard for their depositors)? Why should they be so concerned about the financial health of their competitors? Because the big boys are frightened of contagion, from which they are not immune.
When it comes to bankers, their first tactic always is to plead for a government (taxpayer) bailout. And if they get it, their executives celebrate by awarding themselves huge bonuses (your money). But if that fails (as it should) their mantra becomes “all for one, one for all,” lest their house of cards comes crumbling down and we the people (mostly sheeple) discover, to our detriment, that our financial emperor has neither clothes nor the money we entrusted to their safekeeping.
A run on banks is rhythmical, not isolated. Always keep enough cash on hand to see yourself through bank crises.
“STEVEN SEAGAL TO HELP SET UP INTERNATIONAL PRO-RUSSIA MOVEMENT” and “RUSSIA RECRUITS STEVEN SEAGAL TO TEACH MARTIAL ARTS TO ITS SOLDIERS”
For those who missed it, here is part of what we penned about scumbag Seagal last September:
Known for his macho action movies in which Russians are the bad guys, macho actor Steven Seagal is reported to be best buds with Russia’s murderous dictator, Vladimir Putin.
Seems a stretch for someone who proclaims himself an ardent Buddhist in addition to having been a super-patriotic law enforcement groupie. Over a decade ago, Mr. Seagal, now 70, was sworn in as a “Reserve Deputy Chief” with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office (JPSO) in Louisiana until he was forced to resign over an internal affairs investigation. What followed was a $1 million lawsuit filed by his employee, swimsuit model Kayden Nguyen, who accused him of groping her in addition to sex trafficking.
Steven also joined a “posse” (civilian force) belonging to Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona (“on loan from Louisiana,” he claimed, denied by JPSO). And starred in his own A&E reality TV series, Steven Seagal: Lawman. (The sexual abuse complaint and his subsequent resignation brought that series to a halt.)
Taking part in a cockfighting bust on behalf of Sheriff Joe, Mr. Seagal, full of bravado and comically costumed in SWAT gear, drove a tank into the house of Jesus Llovera—and killed the family puppy dog. (It resulted in another lawsuit).
And what happened to the roosters “saved” by Mr. Seagal?
The lot of them, euthanized.
Yet, despite his love of law enforcement, this Aikido-trained actor (who made a 1998 movie called The Patriot) is buddy-buddy with the Russian dictator—a friendship that remains strong even after Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine.
In November 2016, by presidential decree, poisonous Putin bestowed a Russian passport (and thus citizenship) upon seamy Seagal. Their bond is said to be a mutual love of Japanese martial arts—though what they truly have in common is narcissism.
Mr. Seagal has also ingratiated himself with the world’s second most brutal dictator, Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus, who, Steven says, he had “long dreamed of meeting.”
As Vlad Putin’s Number One Stooge, Mr. Lukashenko rules with an iron fist, routinely murdering his political opponents and allowing Russian forces along its southern border to stage attacks on Ukraine.
A few years ago Mr. Seagal ran afoul of the U.S. government, specifically, the Securities and Exchange Commission, for “unlawfully touting a digital asset offering.”
Translation: As “brand ambassador” for a company for Bitcoin2Gen, Steven publicly endorsed and promoted their digital investment product without disclosing that he received payment from the company that ultimately defrauded investors of $11.4 million. (Like the title of his 1988 movie, maybe Mr. Seagal thought he was Above the Law.)
The actor has also had run-ins with the IRS, which over the years has slapped liens on his various properties.
Mr. Seagal “settled” the SEC case for $330,000. But now the actor is delinquent in his payments, having coughed up only $75,000, perhaps explaining why he skipped out of the country and now, after selling his 5,329-acre Montague, California (Shasta Valley) ranch, has exiled himself, his wife, Erdenetuya (from Mongolia), and 12- year-old son, Kunzang, to be near his putrid pal Putin in Moscow.
The four times married Mr. Seagal—cited by Saturday Night Live cast members as the worst host they ever had—is (reported Newsweek) “channeling what remains of his star power into popularizing pro-Russian narratives and making unevidenced claims about the war.”
If he ever truly was a Hollywood star, Seagal has fallen into a black hole.
And thus, Steven Seagal is our chuckle of the week, along with our choice for April Fool next Saturday.
A former newspaper publisher, a former TV news anchor and me, a round table, shooting the breeze one end, blowing wind out the other, a cocktail each, reminiscing 200-plus years reporting between us.
Turns out, we were all in NYC, none of us known to one another, on 8 December 1980 when Lennon got popped, touched now by that mutual connection, otherwise bound by a love of words and the info biz, all of which have gone to hell in a handbasket, the lament of every fading generation about the world in general.
I’m swigging a Negroni, the most balanced potion ever created—one part gin, one part Campari, one part sweet vermouth, rocks, slice of orange—heaven in a glass.
“You never want to free pour this,” I tell the other two. “It has to be perfectly measured.”
I’ll call the other two old journos Old Fashioned and Martini, their cocktails of choice. Old journos doing drinks.
“Did you see they’re rewriting Roald Dahl?”
“How can anyone rewrite Dahl?”
“Because you can’t call characters fat or ugly anymore.”
“Why can’t you call characters fat or ugly?”
“Because fat, ugly people supposedly get offended—or at least thin, pretty people think they should be.”
“Well, maybe fat people shouldn’t eat so much.”
“That doesn’t help with ugly. But I guess the argument is, some folks can’t help being fat, hormones or genetics.”
“It’s not just that. Oompa Loompas from Willy Wonka are no longer small men.”
“What are they.”
“Small people. You can’t write men are men or women are women anymore.”
“So if I write up this dialog, I can’t call you a man? That’s idiotic.”
The two men, uh, persons shrug.
“Whatever happened to midgets?”
“You kidding? Midgets got cancelled a long time ago. You call them short people. And by the way, now the word idiot can’t be in Roald’s books.”
“But how can you offend an idiot? Idiots can’t even read!"
“And the Terrible Tractors in Fantastic Mr. Fox? They’re no longer black, in case it offends black people—or offends younger white people who think blacks should be offended.”
“Roald Dahl never would have allowed his writing to be altered like this. Must be the greedy beneficiaries of his estate, worried they’ll get cancelled and royalties will dry up.”
“Salman Rushdie addressed this. He called out the estate and the publisher, accused them of, and I quote, ‘absurd censorship’.”
“Salman lost an eye, didn’t he?”
“And got stabbed ten times.”
“Because of what he wrote.”
“Oh my God!” Martini stares at his phone, having just googled the matter. “Roald wrote, in a children’s book, ‘You can’t go round pulling the hair of every lady you meet, just to see what happens.’ They changed it to, ‘There are plenty of other reasons why women might wear wigs and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.’”
“Changed the whole meaning, but they forgot to change women to people.”
“Shame on them.”
“Who’s next—Hemingway?”
“The chauvinist, misogynist and heavy boozer he was, I’m surprised he’s not already cancelled.”
“I’m sure they’re working on it.”
“Who’s they?”
“In Dahl’s case, it’s something called Inclusive Minds.”
“Sounds like exclusive stupidity.”
“They’re doing the same thing to Ian Fleming’s books.”
“Oh no—not James Bond!”
“Is Octopussy going to become Octoambiguousgenitalia?”
“Probably. What I read was, no more races and ethnicities.”
“No more color and character?”
“So what will they do with all their original books with the offending words—burn them?”
“They won’t have to—all books will be digital within a decade. And it doesn’t seem like anyone under 40 reads books anymore anyway, print or digital.”
“So you’re saying it will be like Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, the books will get burned and nobody will notice?”
“In Bradbury’s novel, any houses where books are found get burned too.”
“They’re already pulling down statues. Just a matter of time before they get round to landmark houses of cancelled historical figures, with or without books.”
“First to go, Arlington House at Arlington National Cemetery, Robert E. Lee’s old digs.”
“I read a study recently saying mainstream publishers cater to elderly liberal Jewish women over 60 because most book readers are in that category.”
“Where’d you read that?”
“I don’t recall. I tried to find it. Gone. I think it got deleted.”
“Why?”
“Because you can’t write elderly and you can’t write Jewish and you can’t write women. They probably should have called that category senior religious persons.”
“But that would apply to men too. And what I understand you to be saying is, women are generally book readers and men generally are not.”
“And that’s exactly the point: Generalizing is no longer tolerated.”
“So if words are restricted, how are we supposed to know the meaning of studies that are supposed to tell us what the market is for what authors write—or anything else?”
“There’s another issue here. How come I can dress up like a woman and read sexually explicit books to a group of kids at a library but I can’t refer to women as women, liberals as liberals and Jewish people as Jews?”
A server arrives, but not to take a food order. She says, “Someone sitting at another table is objecting to your conversation.”
“They said you’re making derogatory comments about elderly Jewish women.”
I point to Old Fashioned. “All he did was cite a study that makes elderly Jewish women look smart.”
“They say it’s offensive. Maybe you can talk more quietly?”
“We’re hardly raising our voices,” says Martini, raising his voice.
“If you’re going to give me attitude, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
“You mean, like, cancel us?”
“We can’t allow you to create a disturbance in here.”
“We’re not creating anything, we’re drinking, a social break from creating word patterns.”
She plunks our check on the table. “Sorry but you’re going to have to settle up and drink elsewhere.”
“Are you kidding?”
No, she’s not.
Eighty-sixed (again).
Because of words.
